Mixers, Pinatas and Other Illegal Items.

By Edie Deween

Shhhh....if you're in Texas, watch your mouth or you could be arrested. No, I'm not talking about yelling “fire” in a public place or threatening someone. I'm talking about having a private conversation in a private home about a private matter. Whatever you do, don't tell anyone in Texas how to use a sexual aide. If someone has a beef against you, you could be talking to an undercover officer.

Passion parties...sort of like Tupperware parties for the bedroom....have become increasingly popular over the last few years. It's what some women do on girl's night out. It is also a side income for many people. Law-abiding folks engage in this, much the same way as folks bet on office pools. Yet, like betting, it can turn the average citizen into a criminal.

That's what retired schoolteacher, Joanne Webb, found out when she tried to supplement her family's income through passion parties. You see, it's ok to sell that type of stuff if you market them right. You have to say that they're for novelty purposes. If you actually explain what they're really for, you could face up to a year in jail and a $4,000 fine.....at least in Texas.

I live in Georgia where I supplement my income through selling lingerie and a few “novelty” items. I see nothing wrong with selling sexual toys, and I hope that statement is still considered lawful. However, I see that it's in my best interests legally to instruct women on alternative ways to use my products.

The vibrator vibrates. I think I can say that. It moves around fast and rhythmically. It has 3 speeds. It could be used as a mixer. The most popular version is the rabbit. I guess it's because it makes us women so hopping happy when our recipes turn out right.

I've been trying to figure out how to use those masks, blow-up dolls, and extra vibrators. I'm putting them in a box and labeling it “Deluxe Pinata Kit.”

Those flavored lubricants are great for putting on your cat's nose to help with the furballs. My cat likes grape.

Those body oils are for dry skin.

Those fur-covered handcuffs are for when Alaskan police officers want to arrest somebody.....like passion party hostesses.

Those body paints....well, sometimes all you want is a temporary tattoo.

Those edible underwear....if I stick a nutritional label on it, can I say it's junk food?

And, of course, we all know what women are after when they wear lingerie. I won't tell them how sexy their men will find them when they wear those bustiers. Instead, I'll just say, “You won't look fat in this.”

Hopefully, those instuctions won't be offensive to law-makers.

And...lawmakers...it's offensive to me....the average citizen....to have my words this closely monitored by you. When I'm selling a taxed, non-lethal product to a person aged 18 or older, it shouldn't matter how I explain it's uses. Geez, what's so criminal about helping a couple have a good time? Bonnie and Clyde never used a vibrator to rob a bank.

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